I’ve been noticing an intriguing phenomenon with my individual clients as well as with my groups who are going through various phases of divorce. When I encourage participants to identify positive traits that they possess, the activity initially feels very uncomfortable, difficult, and sometimes almost impossible.
However, there is an amazing shift that clients experience when they are gently encouraged to rise to the challenge of the task. Once they actually name the traits out loud, or write them down, the energy shift within them is consistently palpable. Their facial expressions transform from pained and doubtful to flushed and enthusiastic. Suddenly, there is a little smile developing, rosiness in the cheeks, a sparkle in the eyes. Then, the voice tone changes from forlorn to animated, and the conversation begins to explode. It’s almost as if they are beginning to fall for someone – except that someone is actually themself! Witnessing the beginning of that transformation is why I absolutely love what I do.
The process deepens over time as we discuss their positive traits in greater detail and as they fulfill their coaching goals of continually adding new characteristics to the list as they are discovered. As they review the list regularly, they often begin to walk the world with a more positive self-concept and a greater appreciation of their own self-worth.
Want some of this love potion? Here’s how to begin:
1. This week, compose a list of at least 6 positive traits that describe you. These traits can be profound or silly and anything in between. For example, I am honest, I have a great smile, and I make a great omelet. Feel free to exceed 6 traits by as many as you desire.
2. Over the course of the week, add at least 1 trait per day to your list, so that you have compiled a list of a minimum of 12 traits by the end of 7 days.
3. Keep the list accessible and easily visible, for example, on the nightstand next to your bed. There is tremendous power in the written word.
4. Reread your list frequently, preferably nightly, and definitely before dates or singles events. Read it aloud in front of the mirror. Share it with your Life Coach.
5. As time goes on, continue adding traits to your list as they come to you, at least one per week, so that your list grows on with no limits.
6. Reflect upon how you feel during every step of this exercise. Are you experiencing a bit of a love rush? If not, rinse and repeat. If so, go out and show it off.
When we identify positive traits within ourselves, we promote self-love. We begin to know our worth better than we did before, so we make wiser choices of potential partners. We exude greater confidence than we ever did, and this draws dates to us like bees to honey. Confidence is an aphrodisiac, now go out there and cultivate more of it with your list – starting today!
Please feel free to share your lists with me via email, I’d love to read them, and to watch you fall in love with yourself and beyond…
It hit me on the first day of a recent vacation in Riviera Maya, Mexico with my husband (Steve). We found ourselves signing up for an expensive snorkeling excursion as well as a horseback riding trip before we had even hit the beach. Why? We were planning to relax and consider discussing some activity possibilities later on in the trip. What was it that won us over so quickly and definitely? Simple, it was the Tour Representative’s skilled vibe – he had mastered that fine line between “interested and desperate.” Therein lies the dating lesson for all to experience.
As Steve and I rushed through the airport upon arrival, we were approached by several vulture- like tour company representatives who stopped us in our tracks with desperation in their eyes and brightly colored brochures. They were already enthusiastically pitching their raps before they even stood before us. They offered amazing deals and the adventures of a lifetime. What did we want to do? You guessed it, get as far away as possible. With polite no thank yous that deteriorated into emphatic no responses, we hurried past them as quickly as we possibly could.
Flash. Arrival at our hotel. We connect with Gregorio to confirm our reservation for our end of trip transfer to the airport. We are greeted with a warm smile, a confident but casual affirmative response, and the following line, “I’m sure you two want to hit the beach and relax. Whenever you feel like it, I’ll be here in the lobby with lots of fun tours that you may want to hear about later on in your vacation. Have a great time!” Somehow, he had left us interested and wanting more.
Here’s what Gregorio has mastered along with its implication for successfully attracting potential dates:
1. Openly communicate availability, warmth, and interest
2. Know your worth and convey confidence
3. Do not rush others into interaction, encourage it – but don’t push it
4. Exhibit no trace of desperation in your expression or voice
5. Expect positive results from your attempts at interaction
The happy ending? Two amazing and adventurous excursions and a glowing trip advisor review. We can’t wait to return and book more trips with Gregorio, and we’re talking it up to all our friends!
Now get out there, master the vibe, and exponentially improve your dating success! If not, there’s always that amazing snorkeling…
I’m always amazed by how we meticulously formulate carefully thought-out plans for every aspect of our lives; including our careers, our education, our parenting, even our vacations. But when it comes to our love lives, certainly an enormously important aspect of our existence, we sort of get carried along randomly with the current of the ocean, with no plan at all. We get pushed toward physical attraction, pushed toward availability, pushed toward whoever happens to be pursuing us, or pushed toward any number of other potential loves that involve no forethought. Then, after a while, we come up for air and wonder how we ever landed in this bad relationship. Well, here’s a compelling answer: We didn’t start out with a well thought-out plan, and that’s exactly what we need to do. Here’s how to begin…
For the New Year, construct a list of approximately five well thought-out traits that are your “must have” qualities in a partner. This inventory should not be a long laundry list with every possible detail included; just the traits which are “deal breakers” if they are not in place. This is your own personal list of what is truly important to you, not what “should be” important to you. Define each quality very specifically. Try to include enduring character traits that would still be in place 10 years from now. Write out your list, taking advantage of the power of the written word, and reread it often.
Beginning with the first few sentences of conversation with a potential partner, actively listen for evidence that possibly shows that this person possesses your “must have” traits. Of course, you will need to get to know him/her a lot better to determine for sure; what you are looking to detect now, is the POTENTIAL that the person has the key qualities that you selected. Keep checking back with your list regularly as your interactions progress.
For the sake of a simple and concrete example, if it happens to be really important to you that your potential partner be a family minded person, ask what he/she did last weekend or on his last vacation. Listen for who he/she was with. Was it a family member? Ask a few more similar questions and see if there’s a pattern of plans with close relatives or on the other hand, if a brother, sister, parent, son, daughter, or cousin is never mentioned. You will ascertain fairly quickly, if this individual potentially possesses your “must have” trait of family mindedness. This method will probably be more effective then asking outright, “are you family minded?” Often the response to that type of question will be a guess of what he/she thinks you would like to hear.
Here’s the kicker: Make a commitment to yourself to be flexible about all other traits that are not on your list. You will definitely find qualities that you are not thrilled about, but you can learn to accept the person as a total package, the same way that you would want to be accepted with all of your wonderful strengths and weaknesses.
Now embrace the New Year, and get out there and use your well thought-out plan to find new love. Instead of wondering later on how you landed in a bad relationship, you will hopefully know exactly how you found the right one: By following your very own blueprint.
The courage of my clients and workshop participants inspires me so profoundly, that each day, I renew and strengthen my belief that we can do whatever we set our minds to. Individuals whose marriages have ended after 20, 30, and even 40 years turn to coaching because they know that with the extra push and support, they can search for love, intimacy, and companionship again. Whether it was their choice or not to leave the marriage, they are often feeling as though they have been beaten up emotionally; they have suffered feelings of rejection, anger, confusion, fear, and despair. Through it all, as they work tenaciously to heal, they venture bravely out of their comfort zones and into the unknown world of internet dating.
During and post-divorce, gutsy women put on their high heels, even if they can hardly walk in them, get their hair done to perfection, dress in their most flattering outfits, and smile for the camera. To complete their project, they overcome their anxiety and nervousness at any age and face what is most difficult for many of us: Articulating our strengths. There is no way around that when we write a narrative for an internet dating site. It is the advertisement of who we are. The process of expressing what it is that sets us apart from all others is in itself transformative, before we even post it on our profiles.
Being terrified of rejection does not stand in their way; it is a human condition that they work to get past. They know that they will have to develop a tough skin for the lumps and bumps of the dating world. They don’t yet know exactly how absolutely fabulous they are, they are just embarking on a journey to find out. Their courage, spunk, determination, resilience and spectacular qualities are already crystal clear to me. With butterflies in their stomachs, and a little wobble on their heels, they move forward cautiously, with hope and courage in their beautiful hearts.
Inspired by an incredible recent conference that I attended, “The Internal Family Systems Model,” I’ve been thinking a lot about the parts of each of us that holds us back from whatever it is we really want to achieve. If we allow ourselves to get to know these parts, as the model suggests, in a curious and compassionate way, we may just find our ticket out of the swamp and onto the fast lane of the highway toward our goals.
So, how do we get to know our “parts” and has this Life Coach gone completely mad? The first answer is actually quite simple, and then, you can assess the second one. Here’s the step by step breakdown, when you have privacy and are in a comfortable and private environment:
1. Identify a goal you would like to achieve but are feeling held back from. For example, beginning internet dating.
2. Ask yourself, “What is the part of me that is holding me back?” For example, “My shy part is holding me back.”
3. Begin opening your heart to that part, in this example, your shy part, and get curious about it.
4. Ask the shy part (or whatever part you’re working with) open ended questions as if it were a friend that you were helping with an issue. Examples of questions would be: What is your job? Why do you feel you need to do that job? What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do that job? What do you (my part) need from me? Continue with any other questions that feel right to you. Take your time.
5. Treat whatever answers come up compassionately, without judgment, the way you would treat a vulnerable friend during discussion of his/her issue.
6. Be prepared to discover some surprising and insightful answers from your part. An example of an answer from a shy part might be, “If I didn’t do my job of protecting you, you might face rejection the way you did as a teenager.” Reassure your part that you hear and understand what it’s about.
I hope that you access the courage to take a leap of faith and try this “Internal Family Systems” exercise. If you feel comfortable sharing, I would love to hear from you regarding what you discover as you get to know your parts.
1. Although it may not be easy to envision, the challenge of divorce can be accompanied by significant opportunity that would not have otherwise presented itself. Identify one goal that you can accomplish now, that you could not have achieved during your marriage.
2. Divorce can often cause our confidence and self-esteem to waver. Recognizing your positive traits is essential at this time. Identify one of these special personality or character traits that can show itself more clearly now than previously.
3. When we are involved in a difficult life transition, we tend to focus inward. Going beyond ourselves is an effective way to find meaning and put our issues into perspective. Identify one new strategy to contribute in some small way towards helping others or impacting the world.
4. When you want to see changes in your life, reaching out for support is an important part of the process. Identify three professionals, friends, or family members who can fill this role.
5. Developing a positive vision for yourself can be enormously empowering and can help you stay focused and goal oriented. Create this future image. How do you want to see yourself in five years? Let this vision guide you.
There it is, that familiar brief moment of slight panic mixed with frustration. You receive no clearly audible response from the other party that lets you know that you have been heard.
“Can you hear me now?” You repeat louder with a hint of desperation in your question. Unfortunately, there is still no affirmative response. This scenario often escalates and is frequently followed by four letter words and occasionally even an angry fling of the cellular device. Why? Because after all, what it boils down to, is what each of us really wants – TO BE HEARD.
Armed with that awareness, we can implement small changes in the way that we communicate which can improve the dynamics of our relationships. Whether we are relating to our significant others, our clients, our dates, our networking contacts, our friends, family, or brand new acquaintances, we simply need to provide that clearly audible affirmative response when we are asked if we can hear them. The tricky part is that most people don’t ask the question outright, they simply talk about what is going on for them and then the desire to feel heard is left ambiguously hanging in the air.
An effective response could simply sound like, “I get that (fill in the blank veryspecifically) is really important to you.” We don’t necessarily have to agree or accommodate a request that doesn’t work for us, but we do want to clearly let them know that we heard and thought about what was important to them. This may sound obvious to some, but significant results can be accomplished if this method is applied consistently.
If we fail to provide the clear affirmative response to the implied question, “Canyou hear me now?” The person on the other end can become frustrated, panicky, and even desperate. He or she will up the ante with dramatics and antics until finally, when no satisfactory acknowledgment can be heard, he or she will hang up defeated. Game over.
Everything I ever wanted to know about life I could have learned from, “The Wizard of Oz.”
Deep, core values regarding what really matters in this world were illustrated perfectly by the loving and supportive bond between Dorothy and her three loyal companions as well as by the message, “There’s no place like home.”
All the strength and wisdom that we require is right there inside of us, often camouflaged by self- doubt as illustrated by the brilliant scarecrow in search of a brain, the exceptionally empathetic tin man lamenting for a heart, and the incredibly brave lion wishing for courage. The diplomas and medals they received at the end were really what we all yearn for; recognition and validation for who we truly are.
But what about the little man behind the curtain masquerading as “The great and powerful Wizard of Oz”? Therein lies the valuable dating lesson of today. When we linger on instant message and email communication for too long a period of time during internet dating, we are at risk for believing that our potential partner is a much greater and more impressive person than who he/she actually is. The screen between us functions as his/her curtain; behind it, Mr. or Ms. Potential can pull all the levers they like, undetected by us. Just as the little man created fire, smoke, a booming voice, and an intimidating appearance, our potential partner may be creating a sense of humor, confidence, and a personality that doesn’t really exist when we get to know each other in person. That is, IF we get to know each other in person. More likely, the man/woman behind the curtain/computer screen will keep sending us around for impossible tasks such as bringing back the witch’s broom stick or finding the perfect time, date, and place to get together. All the while the little man/woman is safe behind the curtain, knowing that he/she is asking the impossible and it is highly unlikely that even one date will occur. If you do manage to jumpstart some initial in person relationship, it is probable that you will need to continue chasing your tail, filling impossible requests, only to find that things will fizzle despite your most valiant attempts to please.
So, take a lesson from Toto. Pull the curtain aside, even if you have to use your teeth. Move rapidly onto the phone and then onto the date in order to figure out if you are a match. If the little man/woman can’t do that, stop believing in the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz and move onto someone real, complete with flaws and strengths to potentially share your life with.
